[In an effort to use FB more for socializing and my blog more for my writings on my life, I am copying old content from there to here with the title prefix "Archive:". This was originally posted to FB on 20 September 2018.]
Update. To borrow from Wayne Coyne, the fight for my sanity has been the fight of my life. This is the first of a few posts about my recent experiences with mental illness. A lot has happened and I'll just tackle a piece of it at a time, starting here with a broad-brushstrokes timeline of the events.
Things got a lot worse after my last update. I was debilitated by daily traumatic flashbacks and painful physiological manifestations, especially in my digestive system. I didn't understand what was happening to me and I lost hope that this wasn't the new normal. It was around this point that a number of people saw me at Priceless. When Priceless ended I couldn't bear to go home, so I fled to the desert and wound up hospitalized with dehydration, where I realized complete defeat, rock bottom. So the next day I returned to SF and checked myself in to a hospital for depression.
Things started to stabilize in the refuge and simplicity of the hospital. My flashbacks reduced, though I was still constantly terrified of unknown triggers. I started working through my psychology reading list, and I have been learning a lot. I opted into electroconvulsive ("electroshock") therapy; AMA. The main side effect of ECT is amnesia, and I think it hit me harder than most people—there's a month or more that I only remember fragments of, and I still today don't feel like my memory is super reliable. I also resumed my SSRI.
The next few weeks were spent in my room with very little stimulation, trying to avoid triggers. Things varied a lot from day to day, with only a slight positive trend. The bad times kept my digestive system damaged enough that I went about a month without solid food. I think the SSRI must have kicked in, and in one special week I quickly made a leap of improvement. It felt like a bit of a crazy risk, but at the end of that week I drove myself out to the Burn alone in my RV. I parked in the burbs, and mostly avoided overexerting myself out there, even left early. One night, though, I leaned in, and I think I miraculously found some closure and cured my flashbacks. When I returned to SF, I made a "get back to life to-do list", and started ticking off items. I started handling some solid food again.
Which brings us to the present. I've never worked so hard for so long, never gotten so away far from myself while so depleted of resilience. I've learned so much and have so much learning left. After such an experience, I'm finding that I'm no longer who I was, and I'm only just getting to know this new person. For example, I'm now a bit more introverted, and my body feels like it lurched older. Holding on to all the lessons, finding the new path, laying down the new foundations, staying alert to the new lessons: all these tasks are large and daunting. I still feel like I'm standing on shaky legs. But I am standing. I now often (not always) feel less like a depressed person and more like a person with some known demons and plans to deal with them.
I'll wrap up by saying that I'm keeping media (social, news, or otherwise) to a bare minimum, and probably won't respond/react much to anything, but there will be more posts, and I am getting to a point where reaching me directly/privately should sorta work again. Especially, I'd like to flesh out the following topics soon: My gratitude for people who helped. A summary of ECT because people are probably curious. Several ideas in psychology that were important to me, especially some concerning trauma and abuse. My changing awareness of myself, and what things in my life I think I need to change in response, including my residence and my career.