[In an effort to use FB more for socializing and my blog more for my writings on my life, I am copying old content from there to here with the title prefix "Archive:". This was originally posted to FB on 14 May 2018.]
An update.
Since my post on my situation, I've been on the road more than not. It's been good for me. If it weren't for my desire to connect with people, and the availability of work, I'd almost certainly live most of my life out there.
The sure change has been from a position of fighting the feelings, trying to keep things marching on, to allowing myself to be a broken mess on the floor, and to seeing my suffering. I'm still just as broken, and I still grieve all day long, though letting that be the truth has reduced the desperation.
I've learned a lot of things in these travels, though there's a lot of filtering and disentangling to be done, and I'm still ignorant on some of the bigger points.
One thing I've learned is that a lack of self-care arose from something deeper, some failings of self-love. That was made possible by some failings of honesty, especially but not limited to with myself. I have suppressed my own Truth in so many ways. In response I'm trying to look inward, see myself as capable of beauty and deserving love, show compassion, believe I am worthy of taking up space, and recover trust and friendship with self.
Another is that I don't understand how not to accumulate pain. Living in a transactional world, treating people with differing levels of decency, takes a toll on me. In offering compassion for those I love, I take on some of their suffering. I have no hygienic practice, no form of digestion, to keep my life sustainable.
And another is that I've lost my way in terms of finding meaning in things. Occupations, at least technical problems, are only interesting for so long. Goals deter me (something I should think about). Experiences feel great, but like a drug you are always chasing the next. Human connection is deeply satisfying, until juxtaposed with my insecure tendency to doubt it's real. Learning and forming an understanding of the world endures, but without a way to project that understanding back out, it will mostly just go to the grave with me. For periods of time, I can sustain meaning in my past experiences and sufferings. It all doesn't add up to a system that sustains me.
One more comment, on the topic of human connection. When it works, it really works. Being seen is powerful. Your pictures in blue have meant the world to me. Seeing each other through hard times has brought Liz and me closer and surer than we have ever been. Thank you, all of you.